Creativity requires freedom. It is not a faucet you can simply turn on; it is a delicate ecosystem that demands safety and space. If you aren’t allowed to reach your goals—if you are constantly intercepted—eventually you lose the will to even try. You learn to expect the roadblocks.
I’ve realized recently that “100% of me” has faded over the years. First, it was the immense energy it took to care for my mom before she passed. Now, it’s the daily, grinding struggle of living with my dad, who isn’t the easiest person to be around.
In this environment, I can’t create art, make music, or even just relax the way I need to. I am effectively running at 20% capacity. It feels like a failure of will, but I’ve learned that it is actually a mechanism of survival.
The Science of “Power Saving Mode”
Psychologists have a term for what happens when you stop trying because you expect failure: Learned Helplessness. Coined by Martin Seligman, this state occurs when repeated exposure to uncontrollable stressors eventually conditions your brain to stop looking for an escape. You stop creating not because you can’t, but because your brain is trying to conserve energy for the inevitable conflict.
Furthermore, creativity is a high-energy function of the Prefrontal Cortex—the part of the brain responsible for complex planning and expression. However, when you are living in a stressful environment (like walking on eggshells around a difficult parent), your brain shifts resources to the Amygdala, the threat-detection center.
Currently, my brain is prioritizing “emotional safety” over “artistic expression.” It is biologically difficult to enter the “flow state” required for music or art when your nervous system is constantly scanning for the next argument or crisis. I am not broken; I am simply in “Power Save Mode.” My operating system has shut down the background apps (creativity, relaxation) to keep the core battery running.
The Waiting Room
I know this is temporary. This 20% isn’t my permanent state; it’s a waiting room.
Once I move out, the “bandwidth” that is currently being consumed by stress management will free up. The Prefrontal Cortex will come back online. I will reclaim the rest of myself. I’ll get back to creating and feeling good about my accomplishments.
But for now, everything is on pause. And that has to be okay.
Despite this, I have managed to squeeze a little bit of that 20% into something tangible. I have shared some music on my website—it is a small signal flare from inside the bunker.
[FIGHT!]
Thanks for sticking around while I recharge.